


Wavelengths

by OliviaNoelle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, M/M, Modern AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-01-26 17:19:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1696259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OliviaNoelle/pseuds/OliviaNoelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean has never been good with girls. Or people. Or animals. Or things in general, so, it’s an absolute fucking miracle when Jean gets Mikasa’s number. Except, it’s not Mikasa’s number. It’s Eren Jaeger’s.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Untold Truth

They say that love is sudden, that it's like gravity. It’s a force that can't be reckoned with; unstoppable- at least, Jean Kirstein is sure somewhere, in some place probably at some time or another that's been said.  
When people talk of love it has sweet airy connotations. It hits you, but endearingly, in little ways: their smiling face or the way their eyes light up, but when Jean falls in love it hits him hard.  
It hits him like a cart of books crashing into his side in the library. It hits him like Eren Jaeger's loud ass voice yelling, "Hey asshole! I didn't think you were literate!"  
Jean responds by standing and pushing the little shit out of his way, the same way one would respond to a pest, a bug, a cockroach? No, Eren isn't very much of a cockroach. He's more dangerous than that. He's a fighter and an idiot. A bad combination.  
"Dude, what's your problem? " Eren picks up fallen books from the cart, frowning.  
He looks annoying. So annoying. Oh, a stinkbug might be more appropriate than a cockroach, yeah?  
"Oh, so you aren't gonna talk now, huh? Is this because of that party with Mikasa..." Eren begins, but Jean is already flustered by the very mention of her name. He doesn't get to see her much, but every time he does, she's gorgeous. If she were a bug she'd be...a ladybug? No shit, that's corny as all hell and fuck Eren is staring and Jean prays he's not blushing.- "...you know, Mikasa wasn't interested in you anyway. It's not like I ruined anything."

"Shut up Jaeger, what would you know?"  
Eren leans against the cart grinning. His eyes look like devious, green pools of venom and slime, and his skin is tanned, practically burnt because for him, it's soccer season. "I think I know a lot of stuff. Like, for example, I know that you are a giant nerd for coming to the library on a Saturday."  
"It's for a cla-"  
"And I also know Mikasa's number."  
"Do you really think that I give a shit about what you"-  
"Her cellphone number." Eren looks like an elvish little creature with that grin of his. Annoying.

Jean turns on his heels and waves him off, saying something like "I don't care." and is very ready to walk away from the ordeal. Jaeger gives him a headache.

"Fine, fine." Eren chuckles. "But hey, I wrote her number in one of the books on that cart. If you can find it it's yours."  
Jean is left alone after that, which pisses him off because 1. Fuck Eren 2. FUCK Eren, and 3. How dare Eren think that he would be stupid enough to go through every book in that cart just to find some girl's number that he’s only said a few words to. Some of which don't even make complete sentences, usually.

How dare he think that he would waste his time to look for a book when he could be doing his report.  
How dare Eren Jaeger be completely and utterly correct.

* * * * *

Eren Jaeger gets a text around the time he expected one. He hops out of the shower and looks at the clock. "Nine p.m. Nice." He wraps a towel around his waist and checks the message before he even thinks about finding pants.

 

???: Hey, Mikasa, it's Jean.

 

Stunning. Eren thinks as he finds some boxers and calls out to Armin who is in the other room, and is more than likely reading. He tells him that the shower is now available and that he may or may not have used up the shampoo.  
Eren is drying his hair with a towel when his phone buzzes continuously, texts flying across the screen at every moment.  
"What the hell, Kirstein. God, don't tell me it's because he saw I read the text."

 

???: Hey, I hope I'm not being annoying, I know you must be busy.  
???: How are you?  
???: We didn't get to really talk that night so  
???: Anyways, I was just checking to see how you were. Have a nice night.

 

Eren stares at the phone in disbelief. Never before had he had the opportunity to get such bad second hand embarrassment and it was marvelous. He makes sure to read the messages to give Jean even more agony than he already has and decides that he will go to bed early.

When he wakes he has a mental list of goals. First things first, Eren has to make sure Mikasa doesn't talk to Jean.  
"Wasn't planning on it. Why?" Is Mikasa's response, god, does she look bored.  
"...Well uh, he's just no good. A real jerk."  
Mikasa looks at Eren in a way that shows that she doesn't really trust him. "So are you, Eren, and I still talk to you. I know you're up to something. Armin told me that you were laughing all night."  
"I was not!"  
"He said you were laughing in your sleep too. I can tell when you start plotting stuff and I want no part in it. You need to-"  
Sasha puts an arm around Mikasa's waist, coming from seemingly no where screeching something about volleyball tryouts, and how Mikasa HAS to join, and that it'll be just like high school. Eren is grateful for the distraction and uses it to escape from her lecture.  
Eren generally is a nice guy, really he is, but there's something about the two-tone haired, hot headed, taller-than-him Kirstein that really pisses him off. He isn't too sure what it is, and the fact that he doesn't know pisses him off even more.  
He sees Jean in the middle of the day, sitting on the floor in the library. A laptop balances on his knee and a book is open in one hand as he types with the other. He's wearing glasses (which don't look bad on him. Well, actually pretty good for a horse face.) and a hoodie. It's the first time Eren has seen him wearing glasses, but the moment is ruined when he realizes how goddamn pretentious he looks.Annoying.  
"Jaeger if you're here to bother me I'm not interested. I'm doing this report, so you can either leave or do something useful with your time." He doesn't look up from the laptop at all. He's purposely trying to not make eye contact.  
"Did you text Mikasa?" Eren tries hard not to smile, or else, Jean will figure out rather quickly that he’s up to something.  
"Did you really think I would look for her number in that giant ass pile of books? I have better things to do with my time, you know, but I guess you wouldn't know about that."  
Eren smirks."Yeah probably not, Jean. Probably not."  
Jean looks up from his computer to see that Eren is gone which is strange because usually, at least he has the human decency to say goodbye. 

 

Eren knows he left out of necessity. Jean tries to act so serious it’s ridiculous.  
Eren: Hey, Jean sorry for the late reply.  
Eren: I’ve been busy

 

Eren pictures Jean’s face, he’s going to read that text like the idiot he is. All bright eyed and excited and stupid.  
He must really like that Mikasa, huh?  
Eren is a little more than pissed when he doesn’t receive an immediate reply. When he does, he wakes to drool around his mouth. Shit, he fell asleep. 

 

NERD: Hey, sorry. I’ve been working on some stuff due this week. Real stressed.  
NERD: Annnnnnyways that’s not important. How r you??? :) 

 

"Jean, really? A smiley face?" Eren wonders if Mikasa would use emoticons. After some thought he decides she probably wouldn't.

 

Eren: Why are you stressed ? Is everything okay? I hope everything works out :)))!!

 

Eren is trying hard not to laugh. Mikasa would never say this. Not to Jean at least. He makes a mental note to make sure they don't get the chance to talk in person. He will tell Jean eventually that the person he's talking to is really him, but that's eventually . And eventually could be at any time.  
Right now he wants to see how far he can take this.  
Surprisingly, Jean isn't too boring of a person.  
He's stressed because he doesn't understand his Lit class; he isn't good at symbolism and shit. He asks a lot of questions about Mikasa. The kid really cares about her. It's ridiculous, really, and Eren is forced to come up with bullshit. He tells Jean that she is currently joining the volleyball team- which may or may not be true, but if they ever run into each other it's better safe than sorry, right? 

 

NERD: hey, I'm at the bookshop right now. I’m like a nomad haha! I was in the library before this. It's closing soon, maybe if you aren't doing anything we could go to that coffee shop down the street, it stays open till 11.

 

Eren realizes that he could be a real ass; he could say something that could ruin him and then expose that it's been him all along, that Jean is not talking to Mikasa, but he can't bring himself to do it. (And even if he doesn’t want to admit it he knows he wouldn’t know how to ruin Jean. What would he say? Would he even want to do something like that still?)  
Instead he sends something stupid.

 

Eren: would you still be available tomorrow?  
NERD: Sure!!! : D how's tomorrow at around six sound? At the coffee shop.  
Eren: Sounds good . See you then. 

 

The moment following this is almost surreal. Eren lies down, considers whether the next day would be a Wednesday or a Thursday, (He hasn’t really been focused on school anyways.) and considers his lunch for tomorrow before he even contemplates what he’s done.  
When he does realize, it hits him. It hits him hard. 

“Am I…? Did I just….? Am I going on a date with Jean?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, okay, surprise, this is my first fic, but let’s pretend it’s not. Everytime I think of Jean I think “Too much gel and tells really bad jokes.” When I think of Eren I think: “Too much weed and laughs at really bad jokes.” Perfect match, right?  
> In all honesty, Jean would have a flip phone, right? He’s such a dork. Total dork. Both dorks. Bye forever.  
> (UntilnextchapterbecauseI’malsoadorkgoddammit)


	2. Blame It On The Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's raining and Eren knows that he likes Jean's music, the way his hair is all messed up, even his cat. He doesn't mind his stupid clothes or that his cat's fur is getting all over his pants.  
> He likes being with Jean...  
> ...But maybe it's just because of the rain.

Eren is wiggling into his jeans half asleep when he receives a text.

 **Jean** : Hey! You said you were really busy and tired and stuff so I hope this cheers u up  
Heres a joke  
What kind of bee gives milk?  
A boo-by.  
 **Jean** : SHIT That wAsNT MEANT FOR YOU I SENT THAT TO THE WRONG PERSON UH HERES YOUR JOKE!!!!!!!  
What do you call a pile of cats?  
…….  
A “MEOW”NTAIN HA GET IT???

Eren falls on the floor in one sudden movement. His legs give out and he’s not sure if he’s laughing because of the joke or because of how fucking ridiculous Jean is. Either way, when his laughter stops, his stomach hurts and he’s going to be late if he doesn't get to his class soon. 

**Mikasa** : Thanks. That cheered me up. :)

He decides to add a smiley for emphasis.  
* * * * * * *  
     Jean is at the coffee shop an hour and a half early. He orders coffee; black, bitter liquid that he hopes will give him a cooler aura, but it only leaves his mouth begging for something sweet.  
He gets a frappuccino ten minutes before Mikasa arrives, or at least, that’s what he thinks is going to happen and he's excited. Very excited. He's dressed nicely for this occasion- not too nice, but enough so that when Mikasa sees him she'll think, "Wow, he's dapper as fuck."  
.....Or something like that.

     When the time comes he almost drops his laptop and spits out every bit of coherent thinking he has left. “Hey, Kirstein.” Eren says, standing in front of him with a skateboard tucked under his arm and wearing clothes too summery for the slowly changing Fall weather.  
“What the hell are you doing here?” Jean grinds his teeth together. He tries to remind himself to calm down, that this is just coincidence and hey, it wouldn't be so weird if Mikasa did bring Eren along. They are like siblings or something, right?  
“Whoa, no need for profanity, Jean deary.” Eren takes off his beanie, his brown hair a complete mess, and grabs a chair. He sits in it the way you aren't supposed to sit in chairs; facing the backing with legs all sprawled out like an idiot. It irritates Jean further.  
“...Where’s Mikasa? How did you even-”  
“What are you talking about? I'm in here getting some coffee. Classes are screwing me over. I’m tired as hell. What? I can’t join you?”  
Jean glares at Eren, squinting. “You're lying.”  
Eren holds up his hands in defeat, “Fine, you're right, okay. Mikasa told me you need help with your Lit analysis right? Believe it or not, I'm really good at that kinda thing, really!”  
“Screw you.”  
“No, really, I swear!. Armin is always blabbing on and on about that kinda stuff. I guess I’ve just picked up on some things… and uh...Oh _come on_ , Jean. Stop glaring at me.” Eren grabs a napkin from underneath Jean’s frappuccino and waves it like a white flag of surrender. “I promise you, I can help.”  
Jean is still glaring but the wrinkles from obvious anger are fading. Now he just looks concerned, maybe even a little overwhelmed.  
 _Breathe, Jean, breathe. Inhale. 1,2,3. Exhale. 1,2,3_  


     He can hear his mother’s voice somewhere, nagging at him in the very depths of his subconscious. 'Stop being so angry, Jean. Make friends with better people.' Of course, he’s not entirely sure that Eren would be one of those "better people."  
“Fine.” He mumbles the word, biting down on his straw so that he doesn’t have to look at Eren. He looks at him anyway.  
Eren’s eyes are so damn bright when he’s happy.  


     That’s all Jean can think about when Eren reaches over and seizes the laptop that had been in his possession.  
Like, they are unnaturally bright. Is that even green? It’s definitely not hazel, but ok, maybe its a mix between blue and green like a turquoise maybe? Well Jean doesn’t really know many names of colors but if he had to guess that’d be it, but wait no, those eyes are way brighter than any turquoise so what could-  


     “Jean are you even listening to me?” Eren’s voice brings him back to the present situation, his analysis. “Like I was saying, if you want to fill up space you could talk about the author’s background in correlation to the work and-”  
“You sound like a total nerd, Jaeger.”  
Eren shrugs, slumping a bit. “Yeah well, I had to get a scholarship to come here. I have to try a bit, you know? Mikasa and Armin worked way too hard in high school to help me and I’m too dependent on it being an athletic scholarship and”- He coughs, choking at the realization that he’s even saying this. He feels like he’s losing to him in some way. Right now it’s because of his poverty, but soon it’ll be something else, and something else, until it’s too much for him to handle. He can’t lose. Not to _Jean_ at least.- “Anyways. Do you get what I mean? Also, your formatting sucks. If your professor sees this they’ll die. Jeez Jean, do you even get how typing works?”  
“You went to high school far from here?” Jean asks, taking a sip of his frappuccino. For a moment, it reminds Eren of Mikasa, but he quickly dismisses the thought.  
“...Well, kinda. It’s a bit of a way from here. Still in state, though. Some of my friends came here, so that’s cool… uh, how about you? Did you travel far?”  
“Nah, my dad wouldn’t let me. I got in a lot of trouble in 11th grade, fights and other stuff…” He pauses slightly, enough for Eren to notice. “He’s still pretty mad at me. Actually, he wanted me to live even closer to the family. My mom was the one that let me come here. He said he wouldn’t send in money every month if I went out of the state so…”  
“You rich?”  
Jean chuckles. “I went to a private high school but”-  
“Figured” Eren scoffs leaning back in his chair.  
“What?”  
“It’s the shit you wear. That preppy stuff. I mean look at you, you’re wearing a sweater and tan Corduroys drinking a frappuccino. You’re the complete definition of a cliche”  
“First of all, they aren’t corduroys. How the fuck do you even know what that is? Secondly, and you aren’t a cliche? What are you, a skater? A band kid? All you do is wear stupid hats and band tees and V-necks. Every day you look slightly more high than the next, you know.”

     The two look at their apparel, trying to hide any signs of being self conscious. They both catch each other in the act.  
“Dude, you were _so_ just looking at your clothes! Shit you’re such a baby!” Eren is slapping his thigh and laughing so hard tears are forming in the corners of his eyes.  
“Yeah, well same goes for you, Jaeger. I saw you looking at your fucking reflection on my monitor. You’re having your own doubts about your shitty fashion, yeah?” Jean is laughing too, trying to hide it by turning his body a bit from the green eyed boy, but it doesn’t help in the slightest. “Also what the fuck happened to no profanity?”  
Eren kicks him from underneath the table and mumbles for him to shut up, stifling his laughter. It’s almost quiet for a moment, but Eren catches Jean looking down at his Ralph Lauren sweater and the two burst out laughing once more.  
“Hey, I think we are being too loud. We should go somewhere else, like, I dunno the library?” Jean finally says after calming down. He’s right. People are getting fed up with the two’s loud behavior.  
"What's that going to do? You're supposed to be quieter in a library, dumbass." Eren retorts. "I think you need life tutoring too."  
"Fine . How about my place?" Jean is closing his laptop and putting it into way too nice of a computer bag.  
" _Your_ place?"  
"Yeah, it's an apartment close by. Did you drive here?"  
Eren shakes his head awkwardly, looking over at his skateboard. Shit, he's poor as hell compared to this dork.  
".... I feel like you're judging me." Jean mumbles.  
"I am. I don't want to go to some rich kid's apartment."  
"I have roommates, well, kinda." 

     Eren doesn’t think. He tries not to. Not thinking has gone well for him so far. After all, this whole meeting-Jean-at-a-coffee-shop thing went pretty well. So he decided that thinking is out of the question and that when he does decide to let himself understand how much deep shit he’s gotten himself into by pretending to be Mikasa, he will deal with that regret at that time. Whenever that time comes to pass.  
But now, he refuses to think of anything in Jean's BMW. He doesn't think of anything except for changing the radio station. Jean wants to listen to classic rock, using his satellite radio station, saying that the 80s had way better music than now. Eren says 'Fuck that' and changes it to something that's borderline punk, borderline rock, and pop- a bad, bad combination, in Jean's opinion.  
"My car. My music." Jean changes the station back to his favorite.  
"You aren't even trying to listen." Eren whines.  


     They end up being quiet for the majority of the ride . Jean ends up having to take a detour due to construction and traffic though, the ride is anything but awkward, for some reason. Eren taps his fingers to the beat of a melody he doesn't know.  
"I used to want to be in a band." Jean mutters at a long stoplight. He's been watching Eren drum for awhile, swaying his head to the music.  
"That's embarrassing." Eren says. His fingers stop moving and he laughs, his head thrown back against the headrest.  
Jean clears his throat, face red. "You just reminded me of this cool drummer I knew, that's all." The light turns green.  
"Knew?"  
"Saw on TV." Jean mumbles. "Same thing."  
Eren chuckles. Jean says 'Whatever.' He just says 'Whatever.' How does he do that?  
It's quiet again, but the music is louder. Jean has changed it to one of his own CDs. It's a weird sound that makes the car shake no matter the volume.  
It's a good sound, Eren decides after the second song. Soon, his fingers are drumming to the strange vocals and beats.  
"It's underground stuff- electro indie shit." Jean says, watching Eren's fingers once again.  


     They pull into the apartment complex. It's nice. Too nice for a college student, really.  
"I like it." Eren grins. "This music."  
Jean's eyes light up. He's beaming. That idiot. "I could make you a cd if you'd like."  
"If you can learn this shit then I'll listen to all your shitty music. Ok?"  
"Deal."  
Thus Eren Jaeger and Jean Kirstein walk up the stairs to the fourth floor of the complex, books and laptop ready in hand.  
“You invite every girl to your apartment on the first date, Jean?”  
“Shut the fuck up, Jaeger.”  
The person who greets Eren at the door is tall, broad, and freckled. "Hey, what's up, Jean?"  
"Uh, this guy is Eren. He's going to help me with... Well um..." Jean trips over his words, not wanting to say that he's an idiot and needs help in an apparently very 'easy' class.  
"I'm his tutor." Eren takes the initiative, grinning and walking in with big strides.  
"Seriously? Jean, I could've helped you if you needed it..." Eren notices that Jean's roommate has a slight southern accent. Well, it fits him, with those freckles and all.  
"Did you feed Cole?" Jean asks; he's over by the fridge getting a bottle of water.  
"Cole?" Eren asks as he looks around the apartment, which is fully furnished and clean. Modern in every way.  
"Cole is short for Colossal because he's so damn fat." Jean explains.  
"Jean found him on the street. Took him in." Marco says, beaming. He's smiling, always smiling. Eren would usually dislike someone like him, but he can't bring himself to. He's just so _nice_. Marco feels older than him. Maybe it's because of his height, but then again, Eren has never seen someone his age drink tea and read the newspaper seriously. Marco must be a different species of human.  
Marco doesn't leave until he gives Jean a run down of his many responsibilities: Feed the cat, call the main office and tell them that the window is stuck, and remember, Jean, above all else, remember to shut off the oven.  


     "Little Jean can't cook?" Eren says once Marco leaves.  
"It's not that I can't, I choose not to... Actually I’m pretty good at cooking, honest. It’s just, as of late I’ve been..." Jean's eyes scan the room, watching his fat cat wrap around Eren's legs. "He likes you."  
Eren doesn’t register the sudden subject change. Cole is purring and nudging his head against Eren's ankles, his long fur sticking to his jeans. It's quiet and maybe even a little awkward. At least, for him it is. Jean goes into his room, saying he's going to change clothes and for him to make himself comfortable, which is easier said than done in his too clean of an apartment.  


     Eren’s own dorm isn’t disgusting. Armin is very clean and Eren doesn’t like staying still indoors, so he’s out of the dorm as much as possible. He certainly doesn't ever cook and he wonders that, if he did, would it make the house smell as good as whatever is in Jean's oven? Jean’s apartment feels so...put together. There are paintings and matching beige leather furniture, a glass coffee table, a tribal tapestry adorns one wall, and on the floor there’s a nice throw rug. It feels like a model home, maybe a suite to a hotel.  
Yet again, he tries to not think of his poverty and the ramen noodles waiting for him back at his own dorm.

     He figures that now would be a good time to get some dirt on Jean. He looks through a basket full of magazines and searches the bookshelf for anything that could particularly be useful to him, like a school yearbook. Preferably middle school. No one looks good in middle school.  
He can't picture Jean being anything less than he is now. He can see him living in a ranch style house with a little sister who makes the honor roll, a stay at home mom obsessed with monogramming, and a father who's always at the office; a nice family. Something like that would fit Jean. Something really boring, something stable. Suddenly, looking for a yearbook and shoving it in his face doesn't sound as fun.  


     He searches the bookshelf again. There are research books on war, weapons, military leaders, and more shit that people don't care about on the top row. It's unexpected, but it could very well be Marco's. Would Jean really read a book this big when he can barely finish writing an essay? He doubts it. The second row is less organized; a clutter of different books, mostly unrelated to each other. A series of self help books poke out here and there. Titles like: _Finding your place in a bustling world, RELIGION: gateway to enlightenment_ , and one that simply says _RECOVERY_. There's a lot of them, most of them self-help or life improvement type of things, along with cookbooks and two books on caring for cats. The bottom shelf is full of novels, mostly fiction.  


     Jean comes out of his room as Eren is reaching for a Stephen King novel.  
"Oh, that's Marco's. He likes to read stuff like that." He looks back at Jean, and is unable to conceal his shock when he sees Jean dressed in gray sweats and a black T-shirt.  
"What happened to the Ralph Lauren?"  
He scowls, running fingers through his short hair. "I don't wear that all the time."  
“So what’s up with the shirt just saying 24601? Is that some kinda underground thing?”  
Jean has a visible blush, scratching at the back of his neck. “Uh, no, not really. I just wear it around the house or to the gym so uh-”  
“Oh wait, shit! It’s from that singing movie isn’t it? Ah man, what’s it called again...uh”  
“L-les Miserables...I mean, my dad’s French so... I mean, my family loves it. My mom’s real obsessed she got it for me last year so um.”  
“Dude how the hell could you watch it? I fell asleep when cassette started singing.”  
Jean chuckles, “You mean, Cosette?”  
“What the fuck ever.”  


     Jean’s phone vibrates and he glides across the hardwood floor in his socks. His phone is nice; the newest iPhone. "Marco says that if you want to eat what's in the oven you can." He says reading his phone. "In return for helping me or whatever."  
"Are you asking me to stay for dinner?"  
"Fuck no." Jean says. "I'm just saying what Marco said. Come on and help me with this shit." Jean gets his computer out of his bag and with that, the two begin. It starts raining moments after, and Eren wonders how the hell he will manage to get back to his place.  
Jean learns easily and honestly. Everything Eren tells him he seems to retain, even his thesis statement looked good. All the problems he had at the coffee shop seemed to go away. There's something about Jean that makes him focus, or maybe it's not Jean. Maybe it's the atmosphere, the rain against the roof. Calm.  
An hour later and Cole is sitting on Eren's lap, the furry mess tempting him to sneeze. They are sitting at the kitchen table, the only sounds are Jean's typing, the rain outside, and Cole, who's purring.  
"I don't see why you needed my help. Hell, I don't want to say it, but you're pretty smart Kirstein."  
Jean looks uncomfortable, as if he's not sure to say thanks or not. Eren saves him from having to talk.  
"Maybe you just aren't a good test taker? I like college because there are less quizzes and more papers. I was real bad at paying attention in high school. Maybe that's your problem?"  
"Voices distract me. Sounds, that kinda thing. I can concentrate with you. I try to stay in the library, but even then it’s always so loud. I mean, like birds outside chirping or someone dropping a book. I’m so easily distracted. But with you I can..." Jean is looking past Eren, watching raindrops pound against the earth and fall with the wind in a sideways sweeping motion, the ground outside flooding. He stands up suddenly and the table shakes against his sudden weight. "SHIT, THE FOOD."

     "You want to do _what_ to the food?" Eren chuckles, but Jean is having none of it. He runs toward the oven at the speed of light, crashing into things and scaring Cole in the process. The cat jumps from Eren's lap with a meow, landing on his paws with a thud.  
He opens the oven, but everything is fine. No smoke, no burnt food, and Jean sighs in relief. "Marco would be so mad." Turns out the timer was on the whole time and shut off the oven when it was done. Of course, Marco is always prepared for anything.  
"You burn stuff a lot?" Eren asks. The question isn't threatening, it's legitimate. An actual concern from Jaeger.  
"No. Well I mean, I-" Jean grabs half burnt polkadot pink and yellow mittens that are more than likely from his mother and pulls the tray of lasagna from the oven. "I zone out a lot. At stoplights, while walking, in class during lectures is the worst. It can be anywhere, really."  
He doesn't look at Eren. He can't, but he keeps talking. "They said I had too wild of an imagination when I was little. They said I was special. Shit, I was even put into a gifted program, but then they realized I was just a shitty kid who couldn't pay attention. My mind is always wandering, always"-  
Thunder is heard in the distance, filling in the quiet that follows Jean's words. A moment later, blue lightning lights the room and more thunder follows, loud and roaring.  
"Honestly, Marco and I have been friends for awhile. He's like an older brother to me, but I think my parents had me stay with him because I'm such a fuck up. I get so caught up in my own made up thoughts. Ha…” His laughter feels strained, forced, as if his vocal cords are struggling to do much else. “I see stuff. Believe in stuff. I'm so fucked up I'm so"- And now, Jean is no longer speaking to Eren. Maybe he never was. He's mumbling, face covering his hands as if he's shielding himself from the world, maybe from Eren. He inhales, breathes in and out, something that feels so routine. It makes Eren picture him somewhere quiet, desperately reading self help books in his spare time.

     "J-Jean"- Eren begins, but he isn't sure what to say anyways and he doesn't get a chance to finish saying anything. Lightning flashes and the entire apartment is turned dark. Appliances shut off, lights, everything electric.  
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Jean shouts, his anger at it's peak, Eren watches his shadow kick at a trash can in the dark.  
"Did the power go out?"  
"The electrical unit in this damn place is so fucking sensitive. If people bring too high of a microwave wattage a fire starts. I swear I do not need this shit today."  
"Chill, there's a way you can reboot it at the circuit breaker if you know where that is."  
"I just don't know how to work it." He looks over at his phone on the counter. "It's dead. Can I use yours?"  
"Yeah, sure thing." Eren throws him his phone and Jean grins. (Which feels a bit weird considering his past angry demeanour.) He calls Marco and goes into what Eren presumes is the laundry room. He can hear him say things like, "Marco, you okay? I'm not stressing out. Yeah the food is ok. Yeah Eren is still here." Until his voice quiets as he receives instructions from Marco. He stays in the laundry room for awhile, when he comes out he looks pissed.  
"Is it ok?"  
"Can't do anything. Something about people messing up the system or something. We have to wait till the office gets someone to fix it." He pauses. He looks uncomfortable, but Eren ignores it. "Here's your phone. Hey, at least it's still kinda light out. Wanna eat? Marco's shift is late now."  
Eren is squinting at Jean making a weird, sour face.  
"What?" Jean sounds exasperated.  
"It's just, well, you're being nice."  
“ Va te faire foutre, trouduc. Here, come get a plate. Forks are over there. Plus, you had to listen to my stupid meltdown. It's the least I can do."  
“Whoa, was that French?”  
“What?” Jean scoops a big helping of lasagna from the dish.  
“What you just said. Was that French?”  
Jean is glad it’s dark because he feels his face heating up. His mother used to tell him that if he wanted to cuss, say it in French. That way, he wouldn't get in trouble. In fact, his whole family had a habit of doing that. Even his mother who wasn't French.  
“You had the accent and everything!” Eren continues. “You’re the perfect cliche. A pretentious, Ralph Lauren wearing eighteen year old. Holy crap.”  
"I’m going to slam my fist down your throat, Jaeger." Jean says. And he means it. He really means it.  
The threat means nothing to him. Eren shrugs and gets as much lasagna as his plate can hold. It’s quiet. Jean clears his throat. “S-Sorry for earlier. I’m not usually like that.”  
Eren knows he's referring to his embarrassing rant but, for the sake of Jean's sanity, decides to ignore it. "Yeah you're usually a prick. You’re being nice."  
"I could say the same to you."  
Eren doesn't argue and the two eat in the dark. Rain and thunder are the only sounds that fill the apartment until Jean plays music from his ipod. "You said you'd listen to my stuff." Jean reminds him.  
Eren laughs, "I did." A moment later he is drumming against the table tapping to the beat."This sounds like something to get high to."  
"Is that a good thing?"  
"I guess that would depend if you have weed."  
"Parents would kill me." Jean immediately replies.  
Of course they would. Jean may be a bit messed up, but his family is that first class prestigious group that can't be messed with.  
"I figured." is all Eren can say, and drums against the table with his knife in one hand and fork in the other. 

 

     They don't wait for Marco. Jean drives Eren to his apartment through the rain and eventual hail. Jean knows that Marco would've preferred to have Eren stay over longer and wait till the rain subsides, but Eren says it's ok. That he has things to do and that his roommate would be waiting.  
Jean says bye to Eren as he leaves his car, giving him a CD to take with him. He doesn't drive away immediately. He sits in the car, rain falling against the roof and thunder rolling loud in his ears.  
He opens his Iphone, it's not dead, of course. Why would it be dead? He always keeps it charged. He opens it to the contact MIKASA, but he now knows that it's not Mikasa, instead it's a fucking idiot. When he had asked for Eren’s phone it was out of the goodness of his heart. He really wanted to turn the power back on. He also really wanted to find an embarrassing selfie if at all possible. Instead, he found his texts to Mikasa.  
 **Jean** : Hey Mikasa, Sorry you couldn't make it today. Maybe another time?  
 **Jean** : Your brother helped me a lot, really.  
IDIOT: Thats great! He's very smart and is good at tutoring people. I'm glad he was able able to help.  
  
Jean grins at his phone. "Very smart, yeah, my ass."

 **Jean** : Do you think he and I could meet up again? You could come along too, it could be fun. I'm thinking tomorrow or the next day?  
'Mikasa' takes awhile to reply. He pictures Eren sitting in his bed staring at his cell phone, pretending to be Mikasa, getting a kick out of tricking him.  
But now things have changed.  
It's Jean's turn to mess with Eren.  
Well at least, that's what he wants, but the more he thinks about it the more he isn't sure what he would even do. For one, he's not angry about the matter. Why the hell isn't he angry? He should be. He has a right to be, but all he can think about is the fact that Eren hasn't replied and that he gave him his CD. Why would he give him his CD? He should be angrier. He tricked him. Eren Jaeger made a fool out of him and all he can think is if and when they can hang out again.  
He's mad because Eren seemed cool. He seemed fun. He liked his music. He actually liked his music, but now he knows he's just a grade A douchebag who likes bothering other people.  
No, he’s not mad, he’s _sad_ and that’s worse. That’s embarrassing.  
And now, after all of this, Jaeger won't even reply.  
He wants him to reply because so far, Eren is the only constant in his life. The one thing that makes him feel stable. He thought that Eren would’ve made some type of excuse when he had that mini breakdown. Other people have. He could've easily made a break for it; run out with the excuse that he had to walk his nonexistent dog. Or wow, look at the time.  
Eren stayed though, unfazed by it all. He felt secure with him there. He didn’t feel how he felt after reading one of his self help books. For once he didn’t feel numb, he simply felt alive.  
Which, in retrospect, indicates something terrifying.  
Eren Jaeger made him feel alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jean says 'Fuck off, asshole." when speaking French.  
> HOPEFULLY
> 
> I love this chapter. I really love this chapter, rather, I had a lot of fun writing it. It's everything I love about these characters in one big pile of words.  
> I'm getting used to the formatting of AO3...kinda.  
> I still can't believe I'm actually writing a fan fiction this is so unlike me. It's daunting.
> 
> For an EreJean fic they are pretty calm, huh? I mean, you'd expect more punches and stuff, right??? Right???,,? Don't worry, that'll come in the next chapter.
> 
> I mentioned in the first chapter how awful Jean is at jokes. It will continue to reign true each chapter b/c I love him.


	3. Memory Ablaze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren met Jean Kirstein the summer after senior year on the fourth of July.

     Eren listens to Jean’s CD as soon as he gets to his dorm, which is an incredibly stupid decision on his part. Not only is it cliche to listen to a mix tape, (like really, is this 2004?) it’s even more stupid to listen to a mixtape and think of the person that gave it to you. Not just think about them, but really _think_  about them. It’s little things at first, like how Jean always smells good. He thinks about that for but a moment because the second song on the CD is of course, Bring him home from Les Miserables. He thinks it’s a Broadway version, but he’s not entirely sure. Eren has heard it before, but admitting that would feel so lame that he decides to skip the song. The next song is so pretentious. Grunge static shit. Actually, it sounds like it was made in some pretentious kid’s garage. Eren decides that it’s perfect for someone like Jean. Jean. His stupid clean house and dumb oven mitts and stupid hair cut. He _has_  to dye his hair. There is no way in hell that that kinda color is natural. When he gets upset, his voice gets higher. He’s been noticing that. He also has noticed that Jean writes little reminders on his hands. Today it said something like ‘TAKE OUT THE TRASH.’ Eren had wanted to say something like, “Aren’t you trash?” but realized it would be a little weird when Jean realized that Eren had seen such an insignificant detail about him, which is a major problem. Why is Eren noticing all of these things all of a sudden? He certainly hadn’t noticed them when they were at the cafe because... Because why?  

       When the sixth song ends, he goes to the bathroom and splashes his face with water while Armin tells him that the power went out for a bit in the entire area and wow, how crazy is that? The two eat a bag of family size chips and sour cream dip and Armin's blonde hair is tied in a ponytail. It's a normal night, really it is, but Eren feels hyper, like he can't be contained. He’s anxious for no good reason, his foot constantly beating against the floor. "You okay?" Armin asks looking up from his laptop.  
"Yeah."  
There's more silence. The two just eat chips and Jean's CD plays in the background quietly.  
"Hypothetical scenario incoming." Eren says, stuffing a big helping of chips into his mouth.  
Armin smiles that I-knew-you-were-upset grin. "Throw it at me."  
"Well, you're into the whole psychiatrist thing right?"  
"I plan on working in child protective services I don't get why you keep forgetting tha-"  
Eren waves him off like the details aren't important. "But you help people right?"  
Armin sighs. "Yes, I want to help people."  
"So say you had a friend." Eren pauses. "Ok not really a friend... Not even an acquaintance. He's just a person, ok? And they-"  
"So they are a boy?"  
"Not an important detail." Eren huffs, leaning back in his chair. "I think something is wrong with 'em. I wanna help."  
Armin laughs lightly, brushing his bangs away from his face. "So? Just ask them what's wrong. Also, I thought this was hypothetical."  
"Can't. They are stubborn. Stupid. They don't like me, anyways annd I think something is really wrong. Self help books are all throughout their place. They-"  
"Then it's not your place to help them." Armin says and directs his attention back to his computer.  
Eren looks taken aback, almost offended. "What?"  
"If they don't like you, they don't trust you. You don't know a lot about them; you're assuming a lot. Assumptions are the worst."  
Eren sinks against the bean bag chair he's sitting in; his foot stops tapping.  
"If you care that much, try and get to know them. Maybe, you know, be nice to them." Armin smiles. "You've always had trouble making friends."  


* * * * * * * * * 

     Eren met Jean Kirstein the summer after senior year on the fourth of July. It’s not truly a memory. In fact, he’s forgotten a lot, but the feeling of the night is still there. The buzz of alcohol, the music, the fireworks, and mostly, Jean Kirstein. Eren tried to isolate himself in highschool, but it barely worked simply because he was Mikasa’s closest friend, or sibling, or maybe even boyfriend. (It really all depended on the rumor of that week.) Because of this, Eren was invited to a lot of parties. Sure, he had been well known around school for being the devoted captain of the soccer team- scratch that-   _ex_  captain, due to his terrible temper and tendency to piss off referees. Sure, Eren pulverized previous records when he ran in track, but he was just devoted. He wasn't in anyway _trying_  to become popular. He was also very angry and the only way he could release that anger was to beat his opponents to a quivering pulp. At least, that’s what his guidance counselor had told him. During freshman year people were afraid of him and Mikasa. By Junior year, Armin had become well-known with teachers and students for being in practically every club possible and for almost singlehandedly improving the school in it’s entirety with different fundraisers that he thought of and organized alone. Thus, Eren and Mikasa’s popularity increased. Mikasa, known for her good looks and volleyball skills (and her butt in spandex) became a hot topic. She refused to be captain of her team, but everyone ended up calling her Commander regardless, which caused a bit of controversy in the school due to the actual captain being the daughter of the school’s principal and blah blah blah. Eren would rather skip details as he tries to remember what the fuck happened the summer after senior year on July fourth.

     Reiner, the captain of the football team, had called Mikasa. Eren remembers that he had been half asleep, sprawled across his couch, his feet propped on Armin’s lap who sat beside him reading a novel.  
“Eren.” She says putting the home phone on it’s receiver gently. “Reiner-”  
“Not interested.”  
“Well, it’s the fourth of July. You aren’t planning to stay in all day are you?” Mikasa glares, reprimanding him with her eyes alone. Eren never understood how people could think he was her girlfriend. To him,  she was more of a mom than anything.  
“It’s at Reiner’s family’s lake house. Plus, Annie’s going to be in town. I think… I think it would be fun.” She adds softly .  
“You just want to see Annie.”  
“He has a really nice volleyball net outside; it’s like beach volleyball, sand and everything.”  
Eren groans, slumping in his seat. “Sounds like a lot of people.”  
“No, it’s just the people going to the same college. We just so happen to be included in that mix.” Armin says, looking up from his book for once.  
“Ugh, not you too. Come on, Armin.”  
“What? It would be fun. I would like to see Annie as well. Plus, it wouldn’t hurt to talk to people we don’t really talk to would it? After all, our college is pretty small. We’ll probably end up running into them anyways.”.  
Eren groans again, his voice a high pitched whine. “I don’ttt wannnna.”  
“Free liquor.” Mikasa says.  
“Fuck that.”Eren sits up, suddenly completely interested. “I don’t believe you.”  
“Serious. His parents lent him the house for an entire week. They are gone on vacation. It’s his present for getting into school with a scholarship so, free liquor.”  
“I’m in.”

     Thinking back, Eren didn't have to go. Even with the promise of free, cheap liquor, he wanted to go. Simple as that. Still, admitting it to Armin and MIkasa felt unnecessary. The lake wasn't all that great and the house old with chipped paint on the front door. A tire swing hung from a tree outside; some plants here and there. Nothing much to look at. "It's quaint though," Reiner says in regards to his parent’s ten year old lake home. Eren nods in agreement only because Reiner is wearing a tank top and god, is he fucking terrifying. He's a big guy; took steroids for awhile, or at least, that's how the rumors go. He's known him since freshman year. He's seen the way his temper can get out of hand. Eren doesn't mess with people he knows he has no chance against, thus they've had a pretty good friendship through the mutual understanding that -hey I won't start shit if you don't start shit.

     There's a bonfire, and soon, the house is filled with teens. It's a lot of people, considering they all plan on going to the same college together. _Make friends. You'll need them. You’re going to be in college, broke as fuck, yeah, you'll need friends._

* * * * * * *

     The bonfire outside is much larger than Reiner had expected it to be, mostly due to the fact that he forgot he invited Connie Springer and Sasha Braus.  
Springles.” They say together in unison as the two throw sticks into the blazing fire.  
“What?” Eren watches the girl stuff her mouth with chips with one hand and throw sticks into the fire with the other.  
“Like, you know, pringles.” She says as if it’s obvious.  
“I don’t give a damn what you’re calling yourself now. Stop throwing things into the fire. It’ll get too big.” Reiner sighs, knowing that with Connie and Sasha, there’s always the chance that they will crash a car, burn a house, or destroy a nation depending on the day of the week. He’s not too keen on leaving them alone. With them, anything is possible. “Fuckin’ pyromaniacs. Trying to get you two to do anything is as pointless as”-  
“A broken pencil?”Connie interjects.  
“A swimsuit in a nudist colony?”  
“Ooooh nice one, Sash!” The two high five each other already forgetting about Reiner who has given up and gone back inside the house.

     Eren knows he met better people than Jean that night. He met a cute girl named Christa. She was nice, an absolute angel, really. She almost reminded him of Armin and when he told Armin this, he blushed and stammered, “Y-you’ve been drinking too much.” Annie played volleyball with Mikasa the entire night, breaking the net in the process. Bertholdt was there (Eren knew him from track), but he was always with the "Springles" pair, sweating profusely once they got their hands on the stash of fireworks. Jean arrived three hours late. Eren clearly remembers that. It’s as if Jean wanted to make Eren aware that he was a complete douchebag even before their first conversation.

     A yellow jeep drove up the dirt driveway close to midnight and Eren remembers saying “Wow, fuck that guy.” because who has the nerve to arrive at a party so late in a bright yellow jeep? A guy wearing a _**ARMY: Defend. Honor. Protect**_  shirt get’s out of the vehicle first.  
“Wait, yo, Marco is that you?” Reiner shouts to the shadowy figure.  
Everyone drops what they are doing and runs to him, their voices echoing in the night air.  
"Marco?"  
"AH Marco!!"  
"How's the army treating you, dude ?"  
"Did Bert tell you where to go?"  
"You look so cool!"  
"You're so dang buff!" Sasha whistles.  
"G-guys oh my god you're so..." Marco blushes clearly embarrassed, "...we have a lot to catch up on,huh?"  
"You're damn right we do!" Reiner drapes an arm across his shoulder.  
Connie throws him a beer, but Marco politely refuses. “You’re all underage, you know.”  
Everyone looks at him, puzzled. With good reason because that’s never been an issue before. He clears his throat. "I'm in town because there was a special going on for the soldiers for the fourth but I have to go back on base tomorrow." He smiles, "All of you have grown up."

 

       "Sophomore year feels like yesterday." Christa giggles lighting a sparkler.

       Now, Eren doesn't really remember him. He knows he doesn't. Not him as as a person at least.

     He _does_  remember that he had been valedictorian and got accepted into an elite school. Oh yeah, he got accepted into an Ivy League but didn't go. He didn't go because he wanted to join the army. It was a big deal back then too, even if people didn't know him they knew  _of_   him.

  Marco: the guy who fucked up his life to join the army. Don't be like him, kids.

     "You're not here because you wanted to see us, are you?" Sasha says. "I mean, you wouldn't come all this way just to-"

        "SHIT," someone says jumping from Marco's jeep, he falls on his ass exiting from the driver's side. He stands, dusting off the dirt from his khakis and laughs. "The jeep is so damn high Marco!"

             Marco laughs."Maybe if you stopped jumping from it like that you would-"

      "J- Jean?" Eren's voice surprises even him, everyone looks at him, staring, because apparently, no one else knows this guy. In fact, not even Eren knows who he is, but that’s Jean. He   _knows_ it’s Jean. Jean. Jean. He can’t shake the feeling even when the figure is walking toward him.

_Jean._  
 _Why did you leave?_  
 _Jean?_  

             “What?” He replies and it takes a moment for Eren to register that he’s talking to him. His voice is a lot deeper than he thought it would be. It drips with annoyance.

  Eren looks up, squinting at his figure that's lightened by the blazing fire. He walks closer and Eren sees his ash brown hair, the darker undercut. That's Jean alright. Fuck him.

     Eren runs. He makes a mad dash toward Jean and tackles him to the ground.

      The two roll on the ground and Eren grabs the collar of Jean's shirt pushing him against the dirt, clouds of dust form, and Jean coughs, a choked, "What the actual fuck."

      "Look at me right fuckin' now and tell me who I am!" Eren screams.  

     "What the hell? I don't know? A freak?" Jean glares at Eren; an absence of fear in his light eyes. He uses his knee to kick against Eren's stomach and throws him against the dirt. Now, Jean sits on top of him, fist aimed directly at Eren's face.

 

_Jean, you are older but you look so much younger now, it’s ironic, huh?_

_I remember you, you remember me, right?_

_Jean._

_Jean, please._

_Jean I don’t want to die._

         

 

Jean watches Eren flinch, teal eyes glaring back at him, bronze skin, his mind is reeling. The two can hear the others, pleading for them to stop.

Eren can see Mikasa, standing, ready to intervene but the vision of her is clouded. Jean's hands are wrapped around his flannel shirt and he realizes he's shaking. They both are trembling uncontrollably.

     

       Jean looks back at Marco, he sees his lips moving but he can't hear him. He can hear his own heart beat. Time has stopped. Focus, he needs to focus.

        "I think...I hate you." Jean says but it sounds more like a question than a fact.

     "Yeah," Eren breathes, heart pounding in his chest, his lower lip trembles, his vocal chords feel weak."I think so."

         "I remember you, I think." Jean loosens his grip on Eren ; his voice lowering so that it's for only him and the idiot he's strangling.

       "Kirstein?" Eren's voice drops to a whisper.

     "Jaeger." Jean mumbles and his hands let go of Eren completely. Eren's head slams against the earth. Jean feels hands against him, pulling him off of Eren, hands that are soft and cruel as they push him away.

   He looks up and sees a beautiful girl. She looks like a porcelain doll, white skin, long eyelashes, and long dark hair that frames her face perfectly. For a moment, Jean forgets about his situation entirely and falls in love.

It's a short lived moment because the girl uses her delicate hands to punch him right in the face.  

    "Ok. I probably deserved that," Jean says, his eye twitching as he holds his now painful cheek.

    Eren remembers making up some kind of lie.

   "It's okay guys, we know each other um-"

       "We were rivals ..." Jean looks to Eren for help.

       "S-soccer rivals." Eren says and suddenly that sounds like it's actually right. Especially as Jean elaborates.

      "We met a long time ago, tournament and stuff. Ha, god did I hate him." Jean grabs  Eren messing up his hair as if he's his younger brother and Eren feels like punching him. He would if they weren’t trying to pull the whole ‘we are best friends’ act.        

 Eren forces a laugh, but his mind wants nothing more than to punch him in the face. "He beat me in the tournament. It was a pretty bad loss."

“Once, this guy kicked the ball all the way away from the field. See, we were in the country and there were all these cows and oh my god, he-”Jean tells a story that’s completely made up in every way, but get’s everyone to laugh. Makes them forget about the fight and the fact that Eren had almost, for a moment, lost his sanity.

 

         For the most part, the group accepts it and soon they are all introducing themselves to Jean.  It's almost 1 am when everyone makes their way inside. Some people are too drunk to not like Jean in the first place, so there's a lot of laughter and shots being passed around.

    Apparently, Jean is going to the same college too, which is why he's there . Plus, he's a friend of Marco and (apparently) Reiner and Connie.

Everyone likes Jean, he tells different stories, some of which sound like things that could actually happen. Some sound completely out of this world.

          "How did you two meet?" Christa is giggling, oh my god is she drunk?

    Jean bites down on his lower lip and Eren instinctively looks away, as if he’s seen something he wasn’t supposed to see.

           “We… We were training. We got in a fight...we…”

   “Training?” Christa asks.

              Jean shakes his head and shivers even though the room is warm from the summer heat.

        “Soccer training.” Eren says, quickly; he feels as if some secret has been released into the world, but he knows it hasn’t. All of this is so fucking fabricated that he’s not sure what’s real and what isn’t.

     The only thing he’s sure of is that he knows Jean.

  Everyone's laughing and Eren slowly realizes how lacking in the intoxication department he really is. Even Mikasa has let loose. Connie is kissing Sasha, and everyone takes pictures because aw, finally they're a thing.  

    "Guys! Shutup!" Sasha blurts out blushing uncontrollably

      "What are you, five, Braus?"

"Five and a   _half_!" she slurs the words and everyone joins together in laughter.

      Marco, who isn't drunk grabs Jean and Eren into a quieter part of the house. Thinking back, Eren should have remembered Marco at Jean’s apartment. Of course it would make sense that he didn’t. Everything had happened far too fast.

    "Look. I don't know what happened back there, but I'm not an idiot, Jean. You've never played soccer in your life do you really think-"

    "I know." Jean quiets him and looks at Eren as if he's expecting some kind of explanation from him, but Eren looks as confused as them.

     "I don't know ? I just knew your name? It was just a fact. You're Kirstein and I'm Jaeger. The sun is hot and the sky is blue. It was like a universal truth or something. I felt angry for no reason."

Marco’s eyes widen, excitement pouring from him through every word."Jean, maybe this makes sense! The two of you, the way you're different could mean-"

     "Shut up." Jean groans. "Don't bother this idiot with something that's none of his damn business. It was just a stupid mistake." He looks at Eren, eyes scanning his existence as if it's entirely scum and chuckles, “He’s probably drunk. He doesn’t seem all that bright.”

     "What did you say?"

  "I   _said_   you seem like a dumbass, dumbass."

    "Then how the hell would you know my name? You know what, actually, no. We _both_   knew each other. You can't act like that's not weird!"

    "It's weird,okay? I just don't care."

     “You’re so fucking dumb!” Eren instinctively grabs the collar of Jean’s shirt. “Listen, you can be ignorant all you want but _I_   am-”

                “Ignorance is bliss, isn’t it?” Jean chuckles. He looks at Eren and he swears, somehow, he can almost hear his throat make a sound that’s strangely close to a growl. “Ok, look. I don’t like you and you... _really_   don’t like me.” He pauses, “Let’s get some fresh air.”

           “W-what?”

       “Let’s go.” Jean grabs Eren’s arm. Shoves Marco out of his way and he (quite roughly) leads Eren up stairs that creak underneath their feet. “Reiner and I used to be good friends when we were young. I used to stay here for summers at a time.”  

                    “Which is how he knew you?”

              “Yeah, Connie met me once, but he didn’t recognize me. I guess I’ve grown up.”

He leads him down a hallway and enters a room that looks like a guest room of sorts. “Shit, this place has really let itself go.” Jean laughs. He tries to opens the only window in the room, cursing under his breath as he tries to pry it open.

                   “Need help?” Eren asks.

             “Not from you.”

     Of course, he ends up needing Eren to hold the top latches for him while he lifts it and when they open it together Jean doesn’t say any thank you. Instead, he immediately climbs through the window. Eren, without question follows him and the two sit on the roof.

   They aren’t too high up, just enough to see the tops of a few trees, the lake almost in it’s entirety, and the bonfire that lights up the dark sky.

             “I feel comfortable in higher places.” Jean plays with a loose hem on his shirt. “It clears my head.”

          “How’s that working for you?”

        “I still feel confused as all hell.”

        Eren laughs,“Daredevil, huh?” He gazes at the stars, hoping to find a constellation, maybe a cool one like the ones Armin had blabbed on about recently but all he sees is a cluster of twinkling dots.

            “No, not really. My sense of adventure is confined to little things, like tall trees and roofs, and you?”

              “I’ve jumped out of a plane before.”

          “You’re lying.”

            “No, serious! It was part of a bet. I needed the cash.I’d like to think of myself as fearless, you know? I want to experience everything I can. Technically, the world is vast enough for anything to be possible.”

           “That’s not fearless, that’s stupid.” Jean says and Eren is ready to knock out his teeth. He turns, sees Jean’s smile and exhales. Ok. maybe not now. Yeah, not right now. “So what? Are you an exhibitionist ?”

                            “What?” Eren scoffs.

“I dunno, you just seem like an art student type kid.”

             “And what the hell does that entail?”

                “I dunno, rioting against society? Throwing eggs at the president? How the fuck should I know?”

Eren tries to conceal his laughter. “Is that what art students do?”

                      Jean shrugs, “I’d hope so. Seems fun.”

 

Eren doesn’t remember saying much after that. He remembers that he had tried hard to remember who Jean was, how they could’ve met before. When he looks at him he feels fear, he feels danger, and more than anything he feels guilt. An indescribable guilt.

Jean doesn’t say anything either and he wonders what’s going on through his mind, if maybe, he has better answers than Eren.

                     

  “Eren.” Jean’s voice comes out hoarse, a whisper, and it’s strange hearing his name on his tongue.

“Yeah?”

       “What do you think of reincarnation?”

“I don’t really think of it.” Eren relishes in the fact that at least, Jean sounds crazier than he does. “...Do you like thinking about that stuff?”

        “Yeah, sometimes. I’m obsessed with family trees, religions, names-things like that.”

             “Names?”

    “Yeah, like finding out what names mean…” He looks at Eren and grins. “My name means ‘blessed by God’ or ‘the Lord is gracious’, but honestly,I like the first one better.”

           “Oh my god, fuck you. So, let me guess Kirstein means...what? Christian?”

         “Yeah, or at least, I think that’s where the french surname came from…, but it could also mean-”

         “Why do you care so much?” Eren cuts into his sentence searching his pockets for a pack of gum.

              “I focus on meaningless things. Sometimes I try to, sometimes I don’t. Life is kind of disappointing, my dreams are too beautiful and I get lonely."  Jean closes his eyes and Eren needs to catch his breath. Jean's eyelashes are long, his face is long and slender. He could be a model if he wanted to. "Anyways, we are going to the same college, yeah?" And Jean's gold eyes open and he's looking at Eren who was looking at him and Eren looks away fast, embarrassed.

       "Y-yeah."

   "Is that girl going too?"

"What?"

"The hot girl, you know, black long hair, pale skin?"

   Eren frowns,"M-Mikasa?"

     "Yeah man, she's so hot I think I could get her number before the night ends so-"

   Eren punches Jean Kirstein hard. So hard that his knuckles hurt when he's done. "Don't fuckin' touch my sister with your grubby little hands."

    

 

        That night, Eren ended up with a bloody nose and a sore body; Jean ended up with a worse outcome due to Mikasa's wrath.

  When college began, the two ignored each other, that is, until Eren got the guts to talk to Jean whenever he saw him in the library. Of course, Jean didn't care about anything Eren said and usually ignored him.

  Jean holds grudges easily, Eren learned that easily.

And now, it's happening all over again. He's obsessed, obsessed with the very concept of Jean. Obsessed with his stupid sweat pants and stupid Les Miserables shirt. Obsessed with the way he speaks French, his voice deep and rolling and god, it sounds so fucking nice.

   Yeah , it's happening again, and it'll happen Every time he talks to Jean. Every conversation will captivate him. Every eye roll. Every scoff and annoyed gesture.

 

                        Eren is captivated by Jean and he hates it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like Armin. I would like to write his character more. He's very honest and I appreciate that. In the show he was always blunt and that p cool.
> 
> ALSO SASHA AND CONNIE ARE SO FUN TO WRITE OH MY GOSHHhh
> 
> Oh also, I try to keep all of their personalities as canon as possible.  
> Some of this chapter was really hard to write so I hope it's not difficult to read aha;;;  
> Am I doing this fanfiction thing right b/c uh??
> 
> ********
> 
> TBh The Kidz Bop version of bring me to life came on a playlist and it was a very spiritual experience all writers should listen to kidz bop it soothes the soul. HA


	4. Home Is Where The Heart Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean's lips feel like home.

      

      "Fuck, Eren. I don't think here is a good place to"-

           "You said it yourself, right?”Eren is pulled by rough hands grabbing at his hair bringing him close. “You said you liked adventure. Mmmm, shit that feels good shit." Eren mumbles into the kiss feeling the heat of Jean against him. He knows that Jean is right. This is bad. They shouldn’t, but Eren feels Jean’s knee in between his thighs, the weight of his hips pressing him against the wall, and he wonders if he could stop.

              “I say a lot of bull.”Jean chuckles, voice low, and his breath hot against Eren’s collarbone.

               “Like saying you wouldn’t fuck a g-?”

“Shut up.”Jean’s lips are greedy against Eren’s silencing him, and he’s whining when Eren bites down on his lower lip, moaning when Eren’s body grinds against his. God, it’s nice, and Eren can’t stop.

        He likes torturing Jean. He wants him to beg. He wants him to whimper. He wants his name to be the only thing on his tongue. He wants to see every part of Jean, he wants to do things to him that will unravel him. Make him feel done and fucked and begging for more and shit shit shit-

           

   His phone wakes him.

             It’s blaring, all loud and cruel, and he can still feel Jean against him. He can feel his tongue and- shit, was that a wet dream? No, not possible.

   He glances at his phone on the nightstand beside him and hears Armin’s quiet snoring in the bed across the room. His phone says it is twenty minutes past three a.m. Which, to Eren, is not a good time to be up when you have class early in the morning.

       His phone illuminates the tiny room; a string of messages continue to make his phone ding, but Eren doesn’t care because they are from a number he doesn’t know. It’s probably spam. Maybe Sasha is pulling a prank or something, he doesn’t care.

He feels like a fourteen year old again, except, back then his dreams consisted of the hot lead singer of his favorite band- he had had a thing for girls with red hair. Eren has never had an interest in men . In fact, he has his entire opinion sorted out about boobs versus butts and how boobs are always the winner. (Which, to him is an incredibly important argument)

He's kissed armin before, but that was when they were young and for eren , it was to see what a kiss would be like and for armin It was probably for science or some shit.

              Eren tries to clear his mind. Think, don’t freak out. Think. Except, that’s hard to do when all the blood has rushed to your dick and you feel like a horny preteen.

      He hasn’t talked to Jean in a few days, not in person or as ‘Mikasa’. In fact, Jean became an afterthought, but when he did dwell on him he couldn't think of anyone else.

    Sometimes, he would laugh to himself, think of a past conversation, a past fight, an eye roll or a punch that may have happened until he snaps out of whatever reverie he may have fallen into and realizes that the moment he is thinking of never happened.

  This happens more than he would like to admit and it reminds him of their first meeting. How insane he felt when he knew Jean before ever meeting him.

  Eren used to be upset with Jean- he would stay in the library; he would do anything to stay as far away from Eren as possible, but now he's beginning to understand the insanity that Jean must feel.

    _I knew Jean before. I knew him. We were partners ? No , workers? No, comrades. Comrade. He- we, we were comrades._

And it's these thoughts that make Eren feel sick, sometimes he feels nauseous. He doesn't blame Jean for not talking to him if it's these feelings that arise from even the most meaningless of conversations.

     And even though he doesn't blame Jean, he can't leave him alone. He says he follows him around, finding him in the library on boring evenings because he likes to annoy Jean, but fuck that. He wants to sit beside him, he wants to hear his shitty music and bad jokes. He's with him because he wants to be with him.

His attraction to Jean isn't because he's hot- well, he definitely is(Eren's lust is probably due to the inherently lack of hot people at his college he decides.) but because Jean is comfortable.

     Eren lived his childhood in a constant state of running, living through himself, through the will to keep moving forward, but Eren never really had a home.

     Home, to him, is a luxury, but when he's with Jean he feels as if that golden eyed boy could change him. He feels so comfortable with him that it feels like Jean is his home, he feels like sitting next to him, remembering events that never happened, as if feeling the sanity of knowing someone before even meeting them is exactly where he belongs.

   

 

  His phone rings, Armin rolls over in his bed groaning, "shut it offfffff," he says clearly talking in his sleep.

     Eren rolls out of bed and answers the call from the unknown number ready to shout a ripple of profanities at some foreign salesman.

_Look dude, I don't want to join your sex hotline. Fuck Sasha._

   But the person on the phone isn't anything like that.

  It's Marco.

  
  


******

Getting wasted is completely not allowed in the household of Marco Bodt due to Jean being the worst drunk roommate in the history of roommates. In fact, Jean is crying when Marco tells him that he should sleep.

       “I’m textin’.” Jean slurs and he’s still crying, but he has been doing that for an hour and it no longer phases Marco.

     "Listen, Jean I don't know what's gotten into you but I'm here for you if you want to-"

 "My head hurts, Marco." He's pouting and Marco is reminded of seven year old Jean. The little kid who had an irrational fear of a polar bear at the zoo. The little ten year old who cried because he had fallen from his bicycle.

     But now, Jean only cries when he's drunk. "It's 'cause you hit your head coming up the stairs." Marco hands Jean a glass of water, but he doesn't drink it. He stares at his reflection in the water wiping at his eyes and biting down on his raw lip.

There's a knock at the door, "Come in, it's open."

  Eren stumbles into the room, sweating and out of breath. he’s trying hard not to show that he’s wheezing, but Jean lives on the fourth floor and how the fuck is he supposed to breathe normally.

   "You ran all the way here?" Marco has dark circles under his eyes, looking up at Eren from his position beside Jean on the floor.

   "N-no."

"Sure looks like it." Marco looks over his sloppy figure and messed up hair. Eren feels underdressed for the occasion even though it is four in the morning, but Marco always looks like he has his life together. Meanwhile Eren is wearing basketball shorts and socks with some old Nike sandals.

    "Well I didn't." Which is kind of true considering Eren used Armin's bike to get there. "A-anyways, what's wrong with him?"

    "I want to know why is it that when I clearly called Mikasa using the number in Jean’s phone you were the one that answered?"

    "Well, its... That is um..." Eren's eyes catch hold of Jean's face and he decides that Marco isn't important right now. "Why did you call me?"

   "He wanted you, well, I mean he wanted MIkasa. I don't know how to deal with him. He's drunk out of his mind and he says he's hurting, but he won't tell me what hurts and -"

  Eren crouches beside Jean and takes the water from him. "Ok ok, chill. I got it. You should sit down, dude, you’re hyperventilating." He says it as a joke, but soon realizes Marco takes everything seriously and the older man sits without question. "He wasn't going to drink it anyway. Not until he throws up, he's stubborn. You really care about him huh?" Eren grabs Jean even though Jean is whining and protesting against the action.

                “He’s pretty much my little brother.” Is all Marco can say leaning his head against the back of his leather sofa; his eyes already closing in an attempt to sleep.

   “Stressing over him so much isn’t going to benefit you at all. He’s a handful.” Eren looks at his slumped figure on the couch and understands that by this point, he’s talking to air. Marco is knocked out cold and Eren wonders just how long he had been up taking care of Jean.

    His attention goes back to the drunk idiot. “It hurtsssssssss, Mikasa. Everything really, really hurts.”

“I’m not Mikasa, dipshit.”

     ‘Yes….you are Mikasa……….Eren and Mikasa in life but in phone it’s not like life because Eren is so mean to me………..ow….ouch.” Eren tries to understand him but he’s not forming complete sentences and he’s  slurring his words.

       “What hurts, Jean?”

Jean groans,ramming  his head against Eren’s shoulder.  “Everything.”

        “You smell like weed.”

“Nghhh.”

  “You really smell like weed. Dude, did you mix the two? Did you go out drinking and”-

         “Sh...Shut Up……...Jaeger.” And even when Jean is wasted and utterly unbearable Eren finds that he loves how he says his name; even if he’s saying it in the most atrociously slurred way possible.

            “Are you even used to drinking like this? I’m surprised you didn’t black out, dude, you can’t mix that shit. How the fuck did you even get home? That’s so dangerous! You could’ve-”

                   “Shh….ut it, y-yeah I know it was bad and now I...I’m sick. It wasn’t a lot of weed, I mean...there was a lot there, but I didn’t smoke a lot, ok I…” He’s crying again.

            “Dammit, ok. Ok. I’m not mad...I mean yeah it was stupid but you don’t have to cry, okay?” Eren awkwardly pats his back to hopefully reassure him that it will all be okay in the end.

 This, was not the right thing to do and Jean makes a I’m-going-to-barf face and runs to what Eren assumes is the closest bathroom.

       He follows him after grabbing the glass of water Marco had given him; he’s going to need it after his visit to the toilet. It’s going to be a long fucking night.

 

**********

 “I really wanna kiss you.”

        “Jean, you’re not anywhere close to being sober. In fact, how the fuck are you still awake?”

  Jean and Eren are sitting on Jean’s bed. Marco has been asleep on the couch long enough that the sun is threatening to rise in half an hour and Eren remembers he has a class at eight. Fuck Jean.

        “My breath is all minty now.”

       “I’m happy for you.”

     “I was happy you came when Marco called.”

       “So you’ve said.”

     “You’re so mean, Eren.”

          Eren sighs, exhausted, staring at an infomercial for a weight loss program that guarantees results in seven days for five payments of 29.99. He looks over at Jean who is now curled up beside him, watching the light from the tv flicker off of Eren’s face. Eren wishes he would stop looking at him with those golden eyes of his; he wishes he would be a normal person and pass out already. No one, not even him, would still be up like this.

                “You aren’t going to remember any of this, ok? Nothing in this period of time matters and I should be asleep, but I don’t trust you by yourself. Fuck it, Jean. Can’t we just sit here in silence? I’m so fuckin’ tired I should’ve just let Mikasa handle your ass.”

                   “But I wanted you here-”

Eren covers his mouth with the palm of his hand. “Stop. Talking.”

             “I was really sad.” Jean continues, his words muffled by Eren’s hand. “And I got into a fight with this guy over the girl there and there was all this loud music- a band- you would’ve liked the music.”

              “Wait. Wait. Back up, are you telling me you got into a fight? Over a girl?” Eren laughs. “So fuckin’ cliche.”

            “W-when I’m sad I fight.”

  Eren, too tired to act any cooler, lays down beside Jean. Drunk Jean reminds him of his high school self.  

            “You know, I used to get into fights a lot, too.” He says because what’s the harm in making Jean feel better about his currently completely sucky life.

                  “I know. We fought, didn’t we? During those months of training, you...you pushed me off my horse.”

       Eren sits up immediately, eyes wide and heartbeating fast. That familiar wave of nausea and sickness passes over him. “W-what?”

       “Once we were in a snowstorm and you forgot to pack a blanket, remember? You have all that damn body heat and I said ‘Eren, pack your blanket’, but you insisted not to and we got stuck.”

          “Jean, you are making all of this up.”

   “No, I’m not! And then He...Hechow? No,...Heichou had to save us from...from those things. And then, after all of that stuff, you broke your, your….your… maneuver? Maneuver….”

     “Maneuver gear,” Eren breathes, every bit of ability he had to breathe leaves him in that instance. Eyes wide; he’s more than awake now.

Jean grins clapping, “Yeah! See, I knew you would remember.”

      “Jean? How do you know all this!? You’re a miracle, you’ve gotta tell me more! You have to keep going!”

       “B-but I’m soooo sleepy.”

 “You aren’t going to remember shit in the morning oh my god, please. I feel like I’m going insane.”

           “It’s just stories……..all stories. When I was little the therapist said that and then I said no way, no way, I’m not telling anyone else anything because then they laugh.”  Eren grabs Jean, but Jean refuses to sit up. He yawns. “I'm hurting and tired.”

         “I. do. not. give. a. single. fuck. I swear. Jean, if you don’t-”

     “Once, heh, you went boom because of a spoon.”

“What the hell does that mean!?”

         Jean makes explosion sounds that sound like something a thirteen year old would do while playing a video game and rolls over so that his back is facing Eren. “G’nighttttt…”    

Fuck Jean Kirstein.

 

  And although Eren wants to strangle him,his eyelids feel heavy and he finds himself yawning.

He falls asleep with the sun rising, light streaming through dark curtains, and Jean’s leg sprawled across his own.

          It’s not unpleasant.

 

**************

 

_When Eren wakes up Jean is gone. Marco was kind enough to leave a note on the table for Eren in his neat handwriting._

_I feel terrible about leaving you to handle him on your own. Incredibly grateful for all that you’ve done.  If you need anything, call!_

                                                               _-MB_

              When Eren wakes up he has missed his morning class. He is in an apartment all alone, thus, Eren has to walk the walk of shame to his own dorm. Well technically, he’s just walking to his dorm, but it feels so much like a after sex my girl kicked me out walk that he still feels ashamed- even if there’s no reason for him to be.

When he gets to his dorm he decides that he will pretend to be sick which is, yeah, really childish, but it’s a good alternative to Mikasa beating his ass. His grades are the only reason he’s even in college. He’s depending on the continuation of his scholarship. She’s going to kill him.

It is three in the afternoon when there is a knock on Eren’s door. “Mikasa I told you I’m sick. Come back later.”

           “It’s not Mikasa and I know you aren’t sick.” The voice shouting back at him from the other side of the door is, of course, Jean. Eren groans.  

He’s not sure why he is getting out of bed, but he is. He doesn’t think when it comes to Jean; he never does.

He opens the door to a cleaned up Jean, he smells like his shampoo and he’s wearing a striped white and navy long sleeved shirt. He looks ...nice, as if he has some place to be.

            “You don’t look hungover.” Eren laughs because he’s not sure what else to say in this awkward situation.

         “I feel it though. I’m really feeling it. Never again will I be that stupid.” Jean looks down at his shoes, Eren leans against the frame of his door.

         “Uh, you can come in if you want.” Eren bites down on his lip. “I mean, if ya want.” He realizes he’s repeating what he’s said and mentally kicks himself.

       “Listen, I know you aren’t Mikasa.” Jean hasn’t moved and Eren, at this very moment feels like he towers over him in stature. It’s annoying and maybe a bit scary, and he’s expecting to be punched in the next five seconds.

     When he isn’t punched and when Jean doesn’t say anything else all Eren can do is reply with, “Oh.” But his voice falters and he sounds so fucking stupid so he adds, “Are you mad?”

 Eren watches Jean’s lips twitch into a smile, but it’s there for but a moment. “I was mad. Like really mad, but you put up with my vomitting  and the stupid shit I said so, I’ll let it slide.”

Eren is staring at Jean with his bright green eyes and his tanned complexion. Just staring and this is not what Jean needs right now. He watches as Eren bites down on his lip- something he does when he’s nervous- and god, this is not  what he needs right now.

       “W-what is it, Eren? Stop staring at me like that.”

“I just...I just thought you were going to punch me. I dunno…”

         “What?”

  “Y-yeah I mean….that’s what I would do.I mean, if I were really mad, I guess I mean um-” Jean has never heard Eren ramble. Usually, he’s the one doing all the rambling and embarrassing himself, but right now Eren is talking and won’t stop and he’s flushed red and Jean wonders if Eren might be seeing someone.

He’s thought about Eren a lot lately, and by a lot, he means  a lot, but never once did he think of there being someone in the picture of Eren’s non-existent love life, but now, with Eren looking past Jean as if he’s anxious for him to leave. With him all flushed pink and stuttering in a black worn thrifted tank top it pisses Jean off to think that it could be the work of someone else.

 He’s so fucking jealous and he hates it. Especially when everything he’s thinking of is assumption due to the fact that Eren, for an entire week refused to bother him in the library and Jean is a childish jealous person and he knows that, but he’s not going to stop anytime soon. And god, fuck Eren Jaeger.

 “W-What’s wrong? Are you reconsidering punching me? Because, like I get it, you can so do that, but can I at least get some kinda warning?”

“Eren.”

“Like, not a big warning just maybe uh, a countdown would be nice.”

“Eren.”

“Also, how hard is this punch going to be because, mind you, I was real fucking good in gym class in high school  but  you see it might be best if- mmph-”

And Jean’s lips are on Eren’s - if to just shut him up.

Eren is so taken by surprize that he steps back, the door closing automatically behind Jean in the process and Eren is just staring, just staring with his fucking green eyes.

“W-why did you-”

Jean kisses him again and he’s not sure why he’s doing this but he feels so jealous and so damn frustrated and he just wants to have Eren and his fucking annoying everything- because there isn’t one particular thing that Eren does that annoys him-.but it’s just him, and in this moment, with his body pressed against Eren’s he’s so happy.

     Jean feels Eren’s hands around his neck and he’s grinning against the lips that are kissing him and he’s not sure who is smiling more, but it’s happening and it’s so embarrassing, but it’s so real and it is happening and Eren smells like Axe and Jean loves every bit of it, and he’s not sure how these feelings escalated but he is here at the top of the pyramid of how infatuated you can be with the person you once hated.

And he is home

 This is home.

     

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEY KISSED AYYYY  
> This chapter starts and ends with kisses and that pleases me. 
> 
> I love drunk Jean, he's very childish and cute and its sad but idk idk.


	5. It's Enough For Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Jean aren't very good at being good hosts.

“Do you have anything to eat in this shithole?”

  

    Eren leans against the wall folding his arms across his chest in an attempt to look cool but the light switch is digging into his back and he’s a little offended by Jean’s constant picking a part of his dorm, and well, is it really worth it at this point? He isn’t sure what time it is, but he knows that it was like ten minutes past ten when Jean knocked on his door… and then Jean had the nerve to kiss him and well, now they are here. In Eren’s kitchen talking. Yes. Normal conversation, as if the previous kissing did not happen because why would that happen? Yes, completely normal. It is completely normal even though Jean has never been in Eren’s dorm and Eren never thought he would have a reason to be in his dorm, but here he is. This is normal.   
        

 Eren tries to remember to breathe. He isn’t sure about the previous kissing, but he decided to try not to think about it. Try to focus on other things, anything, like the lightswitch thats painful against his back or the empty gatorade bottle beside the sink that he wished he had thrown away before to look at least a little like he has his life together.

        

       “Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere?” Eren gently shoves Jean away from his almost empty fridge ignoring his question.

 

“You punched me.” Jean says as if this adds anything to the current conversation.

    “We have some lemon flavored chips.”

                 “ _What_?”

        “Armin likes them. He imports them  from Mexico.”

             “Ok, but you _punched_ me.” Eren finds a gallon of milk past it’s expiration date.“You _kissed_ me!” Eren feels his face heat up; he’s certainly not blushing because that would be a stupid thing to do. Plus he has bigger things to worry about. Big important things like the gallon of milk in his hands.  

 

“Oh and that’s such a horrible thing, yeah?”

    Eren smells the milk anyway because expiration dates are probably to keep kids like him from having fun or something. Nope Nope Nope. Definitely expired, but he’s not going to be the one to throw it out. Leave the rotten egg smelling things to Armin.

                “I was caught off guard asshole!”

            Jean nods slowly, “Yeah, you really hated it didn’t you Jaeger? You know, back in my day making out with someone you know, like what you just did meant”-

 

“Lucky charms or Cheerios?”

Jean groans with such exasperated drama Eren mentally puts ‘most likely a drama nerd’ on the list of things that could be used to embarrass Jean in the future. “You aren’t listening to me, are you?”

“You said you were hungry. I’m being a good host.”

   Jean breathes through his nose, his frown is almost a pout which Eren thinks would be kinda cute if he wasn’t so goddamn annoying.

 

“Do you have Frosted Flakes?” Jean grumbles.

            “This isn’t a fuckin’ continiental breakfast at your favorite five star hotel, Jean. Lucky Charms or Cheerios?”

         

Jean makes a big show of rolling his eyes, “Cheerios then.”

   

“I have no milk.”

“Then what the fuck are you doing giving me cereal.”

          Eren glares at Jean and of course, what other choice does Jean have but to accept defeat?

            “Give me Lucky Charms then.”

“Good choice.”

       “Like I had a choice.” Jean grabs his lovely bowl of dry cereal and is about to sit at the kitchen table when Eren grabs his sleeve and pulls him into his own room. “You’re a terrible host, Eren.”

      

       “Mmmhm.”

“Like, really. You suck.” Jean mutters and suddenly, Eren is very close; his breath against his neck. It’s warm, Jean notes which is a dumb thing to think about when all breath is pretty warm and Eren isn’t anything special.

      Jean’s back is pressed against the wall, sliding against it till he is sitting, one hand keeps him balanced, the other holds  a dumb  bowl of cereal that he doesn’t want anymore. Hunger is a faraway thought with Eren this close to him, but no, Eren isn’t anything special.

         

“So, you had somewhere to be?” Eren asks once again and Jean really wishes he would drop the subject. Especially when he’s this close to him. Eren is _definitely_ not anything special.

          “Not really.”

     “You’re dressed up.” Eren retorts and he’s smiling, he’s actually smiling because he knows what Jean is going to say because he’s an absolute asshole.

       Jean doesn’t give him the satisfaction of honesty.

            “I can’t dress nice  to go out? Some people, believe it or not, aren’t slobs like you.” He mumbles face flushed because Eren is grabbing at his (nice) shirt and pulling at the (expensive) cotton.

 “Well it seems you came over here first, which, props to you, I couldn’t do that with the hangover you have I’m sure.” Eren is grinning against Jean’s neck now, light kisses trailing down  to his collarbones and really, Eren should stop because Jean is hungry and he really just wants to eat his dry ass cereal filled with dry ass fake marshmallows. “J-Jean listen I-” And for a moment, a quick moment Jean is looking at Eren and Eren is looking at Jean and it’s different.

 

This is completely different than the hasty kisses minutes (?) an hour(?) ago (Eren hasn’t really checked the time), bodies pressed against each other, rushed in an unspoken fear that the moment would end, that it would be seen as a mistake, maybe a dream.

This is different because that took no thought, that was bodies doing the talking but now, now that the energy has died there is a silence and Eren finds that looking at Jean in this moment of not awkward but marginal uncomfortable calm makes his heart beat a little faster; it makes his palms sweat.

“J-Jean… I-”

      “OH WAIT SHIT!” Jean gasps and Eren inhales air remembers that breathing is important for humans and jolts a little almost knocking over the bowl of cereal.

   “W-what?!” Eren screeches, his voice cracks.

                    “I forgot to send out the joke of the day!” Jean cries out in horror. Its a true cry too, like, he _really_ cares about this.

              “Excuse me. _What_?”

         “You know, the JOKE OF THE DAY.” Jean explains with extra emphasis. “Oh hey I sent them to Mikasa- I mean, oh, I mean I sent them to you.”

                 “Well don’t sound so fuckin’ dissapointed when you say that.” Eren jabs his ribs with his elbow and Jean winces slightly because for some reason, he bruised that area last night getting drunk.

          “No no sorry it just dawned on me you read my stupid jokes oh my god,bruh.”

   “Are you telling me you are...embarrassed? Don’t you think it’s a little late for that?” Eren scoots closer to Jean, shoulder to shoulder, and his head against the wall. “You barfed last night and cried a lot.” He murmurs.

        “Shit.”

“When you sent those texts to Mikasa you literally sent a joke involving boobs.”

      “Shit.”

“You always made a lot of typos and when you’re drunk you talk a lot. And you burn food that’s already made, all you gotta do is take it out of the oven, you know.”

     “Shit, well tell me how you really fucking feel Eren.” Jean chuckles eyes shifting to the speck of dirt that he _thinks_ he can see on the farthest wall. He needs something else to look at that’s not Eren. Anything, even though he can feel Eren’s gaze on him.

             “But even though you’re a complete wreck, Jean ...I...I wanna know more about you. Like, what other nerd things do you do in your free time? I wanna hear you speak french, I wanna watch your favorite movies because I know they are all really embarrassing  and I wanna make fun of the stupid shit you do because you are always doing stupid shit. I want to see your stupid list of jokes that I know you have because knowing you, you plan the texts months in advance and I”-

             “It’s a week in advance.” Jean says rather rudely, Eren thinks, because he was talking and it took a lot for him to say all of that if he’s being honest with himself, but he still laughs because Jean is laughing and the laughter turns into Eren pushing Jean onto the floor and they are joking around and close and eventually kissing when Armin enters the dorm.

 

              Armin.

           

 Armin slides his messenger bag off of his shoulder and gently,in his neat Armin way hangs it on a hook drilled into the wall.

         “Uh, was this the ‘hypothetical’ friend you were talking about, Eren?” He messes with his blonde hair a little, not out of discomfort, but as a means to not burst out laughing on the spot. Eren knows Armin. He knows him way too well and he’s annoyed. Very annoyed that Armin can see right through him.

            “I-I-I-I’m Jean!” Jean jumps from his place on the floor standing up straight and, maybe just a little, shaking slightly. “W-w-what do you call a cow with no legs?”

                  “Um.” Armin cocks his head to the side, squinting. “I don’t think I understand-”

           “G-ground beef. Ha. hA. Oh God that was stupid.”

                 

                  Armin laughs and outstretches his hand for Jean to shake. “Jean? I remember you from….oh! Reiner’s party...you and Eren got into a fight?” He eyes Eren suspiciously. Eren ignores it.

                “Y-Yeah, good times right?” Jean laughs awkwardly. “Anyways, I was just uh, here to get something from Eren so I’ll see ya later.”

          

    Jean is ready to rush out of the dorm but Eren grabs his arm, smiling. “Don’t forget your fucking cereal, Jean.” Eren shoves the plastic bowl against his stomach.

           

        “Wouldn’t dream of it.” Jean laughs and he really wants to kiss Eren and make his lips look all red and bitten and make him blush like he knows he could, watch his green eyes flutter closed, and well- this isn’t a thing to think of when Armin is in the room is it? He shakes his head laughing, “See ya.”

     

 

Jean is gone.

   The dorm suddenly feels larger, emptier, quieter, all things that Eren never saw his tiny dorm as before. Eren is staring at the door, unsure of what he should do now. He’s tired from the previous night, but he’s also more awake than ever. He’s hungry, but not hungry at all.

       

        “Well,” Armin says sitting at the kitchen table smiling at Eren like he’s seen the funniest fucking thing, “He seems _very_ nice, Eren.”

              

 

*********

Eren and Jean don’t see each other for awhile, as in, not  until the end of Eren’s soon ending, very busy soccer season schedule. It is two and a half weeks of quiet (as in, lacking Jean’s obnoxious voice). Two and a half weeks of Eren getting bruised from players kicking _him_ instead of the ball; he had been punched once from a member from the other team that he flipped off. If anything, it was bearable. It wasn’t fun.

      Autumn means Eren’s soccer season is over, which usually, is a very sad annual occurrence. This year it is a relief;  it had been a slight burden; he knows he is in college due to his skill and the scholarship but it all feels monotonous.  In fact, Eren doesn’t have the drive he usually has.

        

           “Maybe I want a different major? Like I dunno, you seem to be so happy Armin. Sometimes...everything seems so boring like I don’t feel like I should be here. Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting time here. That I actually have a purpose somewhere else…but then I feel so goddamn pretentious for thinking that.” Eren expresses his concern while drinking gross foreign tea that Armin made special for the chilly day. (It tastes like warm olives, but Eren doesn’t dare express his disgust of Armin’s quirky taste in food.)

              “It’s ok to change what you like, your passions, or what you want out of life. But... well, I thought you really liked soccer, you really used to be into physical therapy and stuff. Did that change? Maybe your mind is temporarily focused on something ….or…” he looks up, “ _someone_?” He suggests.

       “Shut up.” Eren groans.

              “I haven’t said anything?” Armin chuckles.

     “Exactly, but I know what you want to say.”

            “Hmmm” Armin stirs sugar into his tea peering at the cup like he’s seeing something spectacular. “Sorry, I’m just trying to figure out where this tea’s mind reading properties come from since you suddenly have them.”

              “Ugh you know what I mean, Armin.”

      “No, I don’t. At least, not yet. Give me a moment let me drink this tea and absorb it’s magical mind reading enzymes.”

       “God, I’m fucking leaving.” Eren stands grabbing his laptop bag from the table. “I’m borrowing your bike.”

          “Good. Maybe now you can stop ignoring him.”

                 “I have _not_ been ignoring him- I mean, who’s him anyway? I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

                “Uhuh.”

         “Get better tea next time, dude.”

                “Uhuh.”

       “My mind is _not_ fixated on Jean, if that’s what you think.” Eren stammers walking backwards slowly until his head hits the door.

             “Goodbye, Eren.”

      “B-bye, Armin.”

*   *  *  *  *  *  *

 

Jean opens his front door to a poorly bundled up Eren. He’s shivering with an old ratty cardigan covering his arms and gloves that really don’t seem to be serving a purpose because they are so thin. A good Christmas present would be a nice jacket, Jean thinks, until snapping himself out of the thought because he is currently very angry with Eren.

                “I think it’s going to snow.” Eren rubs his cold arms. “Let me inside.”

  Jean leans against his door blocking the entrance. “It’s not going to snow this early in the year.”

                      “You don’t know that.”

“You never texted me back. You never even tried to get in contact with me. You’ve been ignoring me." Jean is trying to sound angry, but it’s a very hard thing to accomplish when Eren is shaking like he’s a chihuahua or some shit; his sea green eyes piercing through his weak soul. “A-and you think you can just come over uninvited? What if I wasn’t home? Maybe I had a girl over? You don’t know my schedule so-”

       “A girl? Oh please, master Jean. Please introduce me to this lovely girl you have managed to woo.” Eren says voice dripping with sarcasm as he pushes past Jean.

      

       “You can’t just-”

“I wanted to be with you, is that so bad? Plus, I’m sick of takeout. Wanna cook for me?” Eren kicks off his shoes beside Jean’s own fancy shoes that are polished and shining.

    Jean wishes Eren wouldn’t say shit like ‘I wanted to be with you’ so easily, it’s the kind of thing that fuels his dreams- or nightmares- he supposes, depending on the day.

                      “I...I mean sure I could probably cook spaghetti or something, but uh, why don’t you wait till Marco comes back...he’s a better cook than I am.”

             Eren flops onto the couch sprawled out like he owns the damn place. “Do you have a Wii?”

         “W-well yeah I do but- whoa wait how did you know I had one?”

    The brown haired ball of energy looks at him like it’s obvious. “You are a cliche white rich boy, dude. Of _course_ you have a Wii.”

      Jean doesn’t disagree with his logic. He starts cooking without really thinking about it while Eren searches through the Wii Netflix for something good to watch. He almost forgets that this isn’t normal, that having Eren over hasn’t been something they’ve done all their lives. That him sitting sprawled across his couch hasn’t been something that they were born doing.

Jean forgets that he was ever angry at Eren when the boy’s tan arms wrap around his waist; Jean forgets about the pasta he was about to cook, too. Jean forgets everything when Eren’s mouth very literally crashes against his own due to the fact that Eren fuckng Jaeger has no understanding of the word delicacy and goes into everything full force.

“It’s not a contest, Eren.” Jean whispers breathily against Eren’s open mouth.

    Eren pulls him  closer leading him to the living room and Jean takes the unexpected lead by pushing him onto the couch, but Eren ends up on top of him biting against his skin,his neck, his lip, kisses that make Jean twist the fabric of Eren’s sweater.

 

“Tell me to stop, Jean.”

       “W-w-what?” Jean breathes heavily looking panicked at the lack of friction.

“Tell me that you don’t like this. That you don’t like what’s happening. That you actually don’t want me and you were just experimenting and now you’ve realized you really don’t want someone as clingy and rude as I am. I mean, dude I’m someone that barges into houses unexpectedly and I’m awful I’m really.... Jean tell me you don’t want me.”

“I don’t think I understand?”

Eren wills himself to get off of Jean and runs fingers through a messy head of hair.

     “I don’t know, this is all just so weird. We knew each other when we met Jean. We _knew_ and I know we don’t ever talk about it because it’s so fucking weird, but...but I can’t ignore it. The more I’m with you the more I feel like I’m insane because I think of things that could never happen. I feel like i fucking remember things; how weird is that? I get anxiety for no reason at all. I feel a sense of danger…...panic. It’s weird, I know, I know, but it all feels so real to me.”

 Jean wants to touch him; to comfort him, to let him know that he understands everything, but he’s sure that his touch would make things worse.

“I keep thinking that I have a duty to do something more than what I’m doing now. I feel like I’m wasting time sometimes and then, when I’m with you, I feel like I have all the time in the world and that I...shit...that you fuck, don’t make me say it, Jean. God, you feel comfortable ok, dude. Like, I really feel fucking happy with you. I forget everything and I really mean that like it’s not just when you’re kissing me because goddamn do I like that too but it’s little things like when we see each other in passing and you call me a dumbass I don’t know it feels like I really belong it feels like I’m...like I am-”

Jean mumbles something in french that Eren couldn’t possibly hear, but he’s ok with hearing the sound of it. Just the sound of Jean speaking french is soothing somehow.

Jean cups Eren’s cheek and wipes tears away from his face; Eren hadn’t realized he had been crying.

           “That’s enough isn’t it?” Jean asks, his voice hushed. “It feels like we belong so, isn’t that enough?”He looks desperate for an answer, golden eyes scanning Eren’s flushed face waiting for a reply. “I think it’ll be ok if we don’t have all the answers, don’t you? I think that I’m content...even if I am afraid. I’m happy. You act as if you’re the only one messed up, but I’m pretty fucked up myself, you know?”

     Eren rests his forehead gently against Jean’s. “I know, you’re pretty fucked up.” He whispers, smiling, words choked by some strange notion that he is about to cry again. Which is such a loser thing to do from the words of Jean Kirstein, he thinks, and wonders how he ever became like this.

           “Screw you.” And Jean is kissing Eren again. This time it’s light and slow, he makes Eren aware of his every movement, makes sure that Eren knows there is a lot of thought involved. This isn’t just a heat of the moment thing. This is calculated, this is thought through, and Jean knows exactly what he is doing. Jean sucks at the skin around Eren’s collarbones eliciting a quiet moan from Eren. He does it because he wants to. He makes sure Eren knows that this is enough. Right here, in this moment it is enough.

 

******

 

 They fall asleep attempting to watch all of the batman movies. (It was definitely not Jean’s first choice of a movie anyway, he fell asleep first)  Jean is sitting with feet propped on the coffee table in front of the couch head facing the ceiling held up by the couch’s backing and Eren lays on the couch, head against Jean’s lap and the household cat on Eren’s stomach, pawing at the fabric of his sweater.

        Both of them drooling while credits roll across the flat screen tv.

 

   Marco takes a picture upon arrival, pries the cat off of Eren, and turns out the light because he thinks, hey, he’s a pretty nice guy, and also, Jean is going to kill him for that picture but he thinks it'll be worth it. They had been drooling. It was very picture perfect.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG WOW Im sorry this took so long to post oh wo w. School has even started that's how long it's been I'm not very good at this whole fanfiction thing. i hope it's enjoyable!
> 
> Personally the best cereal is Frosted Flakes do not fight me on this sugar milk is the best.


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